


i will not kiss you

by julla



Category: GTOP (Band)
Genre: M/M, bigbang
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-10
Updated: 2019-03-10
Packaged: 2019-11-15 03:19:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,789
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18065585
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/julla/pseuds/julla
Summary: Jiyong is sick and is seeing, feeling and hearing things that are not actually there. What hurts the most about getting treated is that he will miss his hallucinations, even when he knows the things he felt were never real.





	i will not kiss you

**Author's Note:**

> A oneshot. The fandom is pretty much quiet, but i've had this little sad story in my head for literally months already and i finally decided to write it down. I'm a little bit insecure with these type of things and other writers in this fandom are doing so much hard work putting out content for us and doing research and all that and i'm kinda just writing it off the top of my head so i'm sorry if it's shit to read lol. Nevertheless, hope u enjoy! 

Trigger warning for serious health problems and possibly fatal sickness. With a happy ending, but still. 

 

 

His eyes were closed, even though he had been awake for a while already. The head ache was blinding even with his eyes closed. He didn't want to move, he barely wanted to breathe. Cold fingers were quietly holding onto the starch write sheets as he tried to focus on anything else than the pain in his scull. 

"I know you are awake," a low voice said suddenly. 

Jiyong slowly opened his eyes then to a dark quiet room.  

"How are you feeling today?" 

The shadowy figure in the dark corner slowly moved closer and finally settled next to the bed where he took a chair to sit down so Jiyong could see him better. Jiyong knew he wasn't real and yet he couldn't take his eyes off of him. Soft fingers touched his cheek gently and his hand was held by a warm hand. Jiyong loved it. He loved him. He closed his eyes again finally when gentle lips were pressed to his cold fingers. 

"I missed you," Jiyong heard him whisper and opened his eyes again. 

His eyes were so warm. Warm like his hands. Jiyong felt warm all over when he was with him. Sometimes he still didn't believe it wasn't real. How could this feeling not be real? More often than not it felt like the realest thing he had ever experienced. His love was real. 

The door opened and Jiyong's hand fell limp on the bed again. He turned his head towards the burning fluorescent light from the hallway and saw his nurse backing into the room, pulling a wheelchair with her. Seeing Jiyong was awake, she smiled. 

"How are you feeling, darling?"

Jiyong hated that question. How are you feeling? How are you feeling? He felt like shit. Always. Ever since he found out. 

"Fine," he whispered. 

"Want to keep the blinds closed?" the nurse asked and Jiyong nodded, closing his eyes again for a bit. 

The nurse checked his monitoring for a few moments and then wheeled the chair over. 

"It's time for your chemo, Jiyong. Do you need help getting up?" 

Jiyong nodded again and the kind nurse helped him into the chair, being patient and gentle with her patient, for however long it took him to get his body to cooperate and finally sit down. 

"You're awfully quiet. Do you have a head ache again?" she asked and after a pause, carefully added, "..Was Seunghyun with you?"

Jiyong sat back into the chair more comfortably and quietly wiped away a tear which had landed on his cheek as he nodded. 

 

* 

 

Usually his sister was with him on his treatment days. She was always there to hold his hand as he got his body pumped up with the drugs. But not today. Today she wasn't here. Which sucked 'cause it was one of the worst sessions he had ever had. Even before he was connected to the drips he felt nauseous. The other patients were chatting amongst themselves and seemed to have a normal day but even the quiet chatting was making his head hurt even more, making him want to pull his hair out. Hair that he didn't even have anymore. So he just pressed his fingers into the soft hat and waited it out. He kept reminding himself that this shit would make the damn tumor shrink. That's why he had to do this. To survive. He opened his eyes and saw Seunghyun sitting in one of the chairs across the room. He smiled when he saw Jiyong looking at him. 

And lose him. 

 

*

 

Jiyong had thrown up twice already and was lying in his bed, waiting for it to end. The nurse had left a little while ago, having not much to do to help the guy. Seunghyun was worriedly pacing back and forth at the foot of the hospital bed. 

"I hate seeing you like this," he said, gritting his teeth, sliding his hand over his face, frustrated. 

Jiyong was lying on his side and clutching his pillow to his chest, swallowing down the nausiating feeling in his gut. He didn't even have anything to throw up, his stomach already being empty, but that didn't stop him from dry heaving over the edge of the bed. The retching made him feel even worse. 

"Leave me alone," he panted. 

He was going to get hurt. If he survived this, he'd lose Seunghyun. He wasn't sure which outcome he wished for more. Both options sucked in his eyes. But he was trying to at least emotionally distance himself from his hallucination of a boyfriend. Which was ridiculous, because he existed only in his head. He was in his mind. If he was gone, he was gone forever. Would he even remember Seunghyun after the surgery? Thoughts like that made him feel sick and he gagged out nothing over the edge of the bed again. He leaned back and suddenly found himself leaning against a firm chest and comforting arms circled around his body. Just what he needed. He closed his eyes and let himself be englulfed in the warmest hug. Seunghyun pressed a lingering kiss on the back of his neck as Jiyong calmed at last. 

"Don't leave me alone..." Jiyong whispered before falling asleep.

 

*

 

"I love you."

Jiyong opened his eyes at that and looked over at his boyfriend who was lying next to him on the green grass. His eyes were closed, his long lashes were gently brushing against his high cheekbones and the shadows of the leaves above, little dots of sunshine and the reflexion of the lake were dancing on his calm face together. Jiyong was looking at him and pretty much forgot to even react or say something. After a few moments of quietness Seunghyun opened his eyes as well and turned his head towards Jiyong. He had a small smile on his face.

"What?" Jiyong asked, afraid to even smile in case he had heard him wrong or been dreaming or something. 

"You heard me," the older grinned and got up to lean on his elbow as he looked down at Jiyong. 

Jiyong searched his face, looking for a hint that would say he's joking or playing a prank on him. But he couldn't find it, whatever he was looking for. Seunghyun was looking back at him with the same relaxed warm smile on his lips. 

"You do?" Jiyong asked with a small voice. 

"You better believe it," Seunghyun grinned again. 

He leaned forward and brushed away the soft strands of hair from Jiyong's eyes that the warm summer wind had played with, smile softening again. 

"You are the most beautiful person i have ever met," Seunghyun said, eyes skimming over Jiyong's face lovingly, "Look how cute you are. Look at your ears." he said, pulling on one.

Jiyong giggled at that and lunged forward, pushing Seunghyun back into the grass again who grabbed the smaller man and pulled him with. Jiyong grinned widely, hands on the broad chest under him. They both giggled quietly until Jiyong leaned down and planted a fat kiss on Seunghyun's lips. He looked at Seunghyun again, the softest look in his eyes as he whispered back.

"I love you too." 

 

*

 

At first, he hadn't believed them. Any of them. What do you mean Seunghyun isn't real? What do you mean a mass on his temporal lobe was causing him to see him? An imaginary boyfriend? He wasn't crazy! He knew Seunghyun was real! But one night Seunghyun himself confirmed this. He said his mother and sister were right. His doctor was right. He was a hallucination. Always had been a damn hallucination. Nothing more. It wasn't real. 

"I still love you," he whispered. 

"Leave me alone! Why didn't you go into someone elses head? Haven't you taken enough from me?" Jiyong cried, pushing him away. 

That night Jiyong cried himself asleep, but warm comforing arms were around him.

 

*

 

"You know it was real, Jiyong," his mother said the next day. "Your soul knows both of the stories. Now you just have to accept this. The important thing is that you'll get better. Yes?"

 

*

 

"I don't know if i want to survive the surgery," he cried to his sister a day before the operation, quietly confessing his deepest thoughts.

"Jiyong..." she sighed.

He looked up at her, eyes red and puffy.

"I can't live without him. I don't want to live without him," he said, hands shaking in hers. 

She held him tighter.

"You can. And you will," she insisted. 

Jiyong cried silent tears as he looked over his sister's shoulder at Seunghyun looking at him. 

 

*

 

The night before the surgery Jiyong asked to be left alone. Well, Seunghyun was still there. Always, when he most needed him. Now, though, it was time to say good bye. 

"It's almost over," Jiyong started quietly. "I-.. I will miss you," he said with a shaky voice, looking up at Seunghyun who was sitting by his feet. "I loved you. I-.. I do love you," he corrected himself. "I'm probably always going to love you," he said sincerely. "You were perfect. You were so good to me. I'm glad i met you," he said, looking down at his fidgety fingers with a frown. It was weird talking to Seunghyun like this, now that he knew he wasn't real. "It hurts to say good bye," he said, "I-i don't know what to say.." he stammered.

"Can i kiss you?" Seunghyun spoke at last.

Jiyong looked up at him again. Seunghyun was looking at him with the saddest eyes. He looked so real, Jiyong forgot he was not. Jiyong got shy and touched his lips. 

"My lips are so chapped.." he whispered, eyes downcast. 

"You're still the most beautiful person i have ever met, Jiyong. I will love you no matter what. Even when i'm not here anymore," he said, gently pulling Jiyong's hand off of his lips.

Jiyong looked back up at him and swallowed thickly before giving Seunghyun a single nod after a few moments. Seunghyun sat closer then and leaned forward. Jiyong's breath came out shaky as Seunghyun came closer, palms touching his cheeks softly, leaning forward and pressing a gentle lingering kiss on his dry lips. The younger couldn't hold back his tears anymore then as Seunghyun gently laid him back on the bed. 

 

*

 

Weeks passed and Jiyong missed Seunghyun to death. He secretly kept crying himself to sleep at nights, thinking back at his time with him. Torturing himself with thoughts of the other's kisses, caresses, voice. He wanted to scream. Sometimes he was sad the treatment had even worked. Sometimes he even tried to hallucinate on purpose. He was laying on his bed, his arm out, trying to get Seunghyun to grab his hand so desperately. Sometimes, he could almost taste him. Smell him. Hear him. 

"I miss you so much..." he sobbed quietly. "Come back... Please... Seunghyun..."

 

*

 

Jiyong had just got off work, hurrying to get to the grocery store before they closed. They were having a barbeque with the family today, celebrating the first nice days of the early summer. His raven black hair was getting messy in the wind as he was rushing through the traffic in his convertable. The summer smelled so good, Jiyong couldn't help but smile. In moments like this he really was glad he had survived all these years ago. He of course still thought about those times but he went to therapy and was slowly enjoying life fully again and was able to put the memories behind him. He still missed Seunghyun sometimes, but now thought of him as a dear friend that had died with his tumor. It was a bittersweet thought for Jiyong. But he was happy he was where he was now. And in this moment he couldn't wait to get home to his mother and sister and get some wine and yummy food for dinner. He pulled on front of their local store literally seconds before they were closing. He yelped and jumped out of the car without even opening the door. 

"Wait-wait-wait," he ran to the door. "Please-Please" he begged cutely, "Just need to grab some sausages."

After his most charming smile and saddest puppy eyes the lady let him in with a chuckle and he ran to grab everything he needed for dinner. After a purchasing a bag full of barbeque material and a couple of bottles of wine he was pretty much pushed through the door as it clicked shut behind him. He looked down at his bag, pleased with himself that he had made it on time, when he suddenly realized he had forgotten to get one of the most important things. He turned around and banged on the door.

"Hey! Wait! I forgot the barbeque sauce!"

"Aww, man, did they close already?" someone said from behind him. "Ugh, the small town stores, i swear..."

"Yeah, and i forgot-.." Jiyong turned to the voice and his own cut off in a second.

It was Seunghyun, standing in front of him. All color drained from Jiyong's face and he almost dropped his bag of groceries ashe started shaking. His first thought was that the tumor was back. He was hallucinating again. He couldn't even breathe, couldn't even think clearly. How could this be? The man in front of him was definitely Seunghyun. His hair was dyed light brown but other than that it was identical to his... hallucination. The guy was scrolling on his phone, tapping his foot impatiently.

"Is there anything else open still?" he mumbled, frowning down to his phone. 

"Seunghyun..?" Jiyong asked quietly, uncertain he wasn't talking to himself. 

The guy looked up from his phone, surprised.

"Yes?"

Jiyong opened his mouth but didn't know what to say.

"Wait.. Jiyong? Kwon Jiyong?" the guy stepped closer, squinting at the smaller man. 

Jiyong couldn't say anything, he was too shocked, but gave him a nod after a moment. This Seunghyun gave him the widest bright dimpled smile. A smile he had missed so much.

"Oh wow! How did you even recognize me! It's been quite some time!" Seunghyun said. "How've you been, man?" he asked, tapping Jiyong on the shoulder. "You actually look the same as twenty years ago," he teased with a laugh. "I'm surprised i didn't recognize you first. You still live around here?"

Jiyong was so confused. What was happening? He still wasn't even sure if this person was real or not, and the fact that he seemed to recognize him too made him even more confused. 

"I-i'm sorry," he spoke after a minute, "I.. I know i know you but.. my memory is failing me right now.. How.. do i know you exactly?" 

"Oh.. I used to live here as a child. We were pretty good friends, actually. But we were like 10," he chuckled lightly.

"We.. we were friends?" Jiyong asked, looking deeply into the taller's eyes.

"Yeah.. Remember? We used to go down at the lake all the time," Seunghyun said. "Wow.. It's crazy to think back to those times. I'm so glad i ran into you!"  

"I missed you so much," Jiyong blurted out.

Seunghyun looked at him surprised, but chuckled again after a moment.

"Yeah! Those were good times, weren't they? I haven't been back here in years. I have a weird feeling now. Like butterflies."

Jiyong nodded mutely, still looking up at him. 

"So.. you still live around here? I'm just visiting my grandparents for a week," Seunghyun said with a friendly smile.

"Yes," Jiyong said, collecting himself a bit, "I still live here with my mom and sister." 

"Oh.. No family of your own yet?" Seunghyun asked curiously.

Jiyong just shook his head. 

"Same," Seunghyun hummed, nodding.

They were standing there, a bit awkwardly, for a few moments. Jiyong could see Seunghyun slowly getting uncomfortable. He must've acted oddly, staring and being weird. But he panicked. 

"Do you know if there's any other store open? I just came for beer," Seunghyun tried to make conversation again, smile back on his face.

Jiyong shook his head, looking down in embarrassement, cursing at himself for not keeping his cool. But then he saw the wine bottles in the bag he was still holding. 

"Do you.. drink wine? We're gonna have a barbeque at our garden at home. If you want.. you can join us." he said then, looking back up at the taller man, heart thumping in his chest like crazy, but there was no way he was letting Seunghyun leave. 

Seunghyun was looking at him for a moment but then grinned again.

"I'd love to!"

**Author's Note:**

> well this was pretty short and idk how the story came out for u guys but im glad i wrote it down finally! thank u for reading!


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